Sometime last week, I’m not sure when exactly, I fell into a depression. I had been sliding down the slope for some time, clawing desperately to stop the descent, but then it just happened. There was nothing I could do about it. So I gave in and waited it out.
I’m familiar enough with my own cycles of depression to know when they’re coming on, and not to let them freak me out. I reminded myself that I’d been through this many times before, and it does end eventually. I stopped tweeting and blogging because I didn’t want to solicit sympathy — or worse, to fake heartiness. [Although @delightineer has a different philosophy about faking it, one I hadn’t considered until today.]
I focused instead on figuring out how to climb out of the pit.
At about the same time this happened, I ended a long, close friendship. Badly. Was I depressed about that? I certainly wish I’d handled it better, but I don’t think it caused my depression.
No, the real problem was fear. It’s nothing I haven’t blogged about a dozen times before, but I still hadn’t resolved it, and the fear got so big I just stopped everything but the bare minimum required. I slept a lot and watched a lot of movies.
As usual, it was all about voice coaching/product creation/marketing, blah blah blah. I’m sure you’re as tired of hearing about it as I am of writing about it.
But this time, it was different. This time, I had the advantage of taking part in Susan Johnstone’s Wisdom of Your Resistance class, which just started last week. [Not too late to get in, btw. And yes, that’s an affiliate link.] Susan had warned us that getting started with the work sheets would bring up our “stuff,” and that’s exactly what was happening with me. Took a few days to recognize that, though.
But I also realized a few other things probably played into it: a) I had been on crutches, completely housebound for several weeks, and it was getting to me, b) I hadn’t been able to stock up on fresh produce and had stopped drinking green smoothies, and c) I had run out of my prescription for high-dose Vitamin D to combat a severe deficiency. All of these can affect mood, and recognizing that helped me figure out a game plan for climbing out of the pit:
1. Get the fruits and green veggies needed to make green smoothies again. [Check!] 2. Refill that Vit. D prescription. [My son’s going to pick it up now.] 3. Buy St. John’s Wort. [In spite of studies that say the supplement doesn’t help depression, it’s worked for me in the past. Getting some tomorrow.] 4. Schedule a phone session with Susan Johnstone to talk about my resistance and fear. [Check!]
I started drinking green smoothies on Friday and was feeling a bit better by last night. A little more energy, a lighter mood. I even went so far as to get something done, of all things. There was a long list of tasks that I’d been stalling on for quite a while, so I picked one and just did it. That really felt good. Today, I started tweeting again, and now I’m writing this — more encouraging signs.
And I talked with Susan. It was very good. I’m going to blog about it, but I need more time to process it. She’s just — wonderful. More on that in my next post.
Yay!
What do you do to dig out when you’ve hit bottom?
Image by bichxa
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LaVonne, glad you're on your way back up! What really sucks is when you get so low you can't even help yourself the way you did…you just wallow. That you were able to course-correct the way you did shows you definitely wear the pants in your relationship with depression! 🙂 (Have you always hated that concept of who wears “the pants” as much as I have? LOL)
And for sure, hobbling around on crutches indoors for weeks would do me in. On the other hand, I find it almost impossible to be completely gloomy when I'm outside.
Eager to hear more about your conversations with Susan.
Thank you, sweetie. I'll have to keep that in mind: I wear the pants in this
relationship, dammit! You made me laugh. 🙂
Sue, well put. I'm not as good at “wearing the pants” in my own life when depression haunts me. I'll work on that – just using that expression will help. 🙂
LaVonne, glad you are on the road back up. Funny how much our diet influences our moods. I'm glad you have fresh produce again – it will make a world of difference, I'm sure. Know that we love you, and that we never tire of hearing about what's going on in your world. Interaction with people always helps me, too. If I finally got around to rescheduling that interview, would it help? I'm going to start “wearing the pants” in my relationship with procrastination. 🙂
Hey LaVonne,
Thanks for sharing that. There is such an important difference between allowing yourself to be with whatever is going on and Wallowing. (Much bigger difference than just a W. Hmm, I just noticed that.) I applaud your consciousness of what was happening and and the contributing factors!
Fear has always been a big one for me. Sometimes it's fear of real stuff, but most of the time it's fear of stuff about which I think I know the truth but I really have no sound and current data. And contributing factors like health and diet can make those fears loom large.
Missed your presence in my Twitter community, glad you're back.
I'm glad you're feeling better. I know exactly what you're talking about; I do the same thing. And you didn't flake out: you just needed some down time. Sitting with depression is one of the hardest things to do, but for me I have to do it before it starts to move.
Thanks Wendy! Yes, I would LOVE it if we rescheduled that interview! I'll
send you a link to my scheduler. 🙂
Thanks, Shawna. I never realized it before but that's what it is, sitting
with depression, not to wallow but to understand.
Yes, I think that was a big part of my fear — not having enough data.
Working on that now. Thank you for commenting. 🙂
So glad you're feeling a little better, sweetie.
What do I do when I crash? I sleep, rest, do sudoku, read easy books and knit until I start to get all impatient and grumpy about how I'm not working and then I know I'm starting to come out of it. I try to eat my veggies and sometimes I sit around and watch my chickens. Resting is HARD for me but usually my body just makes me. The big difficulty I have is not burning out my batteries as I'm rebooting: I have a tendency to immediately overdo it as soon as I get any spare energy.
Ooh, chickens. I'd love to sit around and watch some.
We really have to go through this over and over again, don't we, just so we
can get to know ourselves well enough to know details like not burning out
our batteries as we're rebooting [love that terminology, lol.] So all those
times in the past when we didn't cope so well? We were just preparing to be
kick-ass crash-copers now. We're freakin' superheroes, Kirsty!
Ooh, chickens. I'd love to sit around and watch some.
We really have to go through this over and over again, don't we, just so we
can get to know ourselves well enough to know details like not burning out
our batteries as we're rebooting [love that terminology, lol.] So all those
times in the past when we didn't cope so well? We were just preparing to be
kick-ass crash-copers now. We're freakin' superheroes, Kirsty!
Hey LaVonne…
Um…yeah…
I do what you did. I contract. I pull in and disengage. And I wait. Because I recognize the cycle and know that it will pass. I find doing itty little bits of housework helpful: putting one thing back where it belongs. Washing dishes. Small efforts that result in a visible improvement.
And the fear as trigger to depression? Yup. I notice that in myself too.
Glad to hear you're looking after yourself and pulling out. Thank you for sharing.
I wish I'd known these things when I was younger, but of course then I was a
bit of a drama queen and thought my depressions were a sign of depth, lol. I
wallowed JUST a tad.
Fear is one of my triggers, the other is anger. Well, actually, that's fear
too because my anger scares the crap outa me. Ah, what fun it is to be
human!
Dear heart, I am so glad you posted this. Seems like many are going thru/have just been thru/will soon be going thru it, too. I just did a blog post that's nowhere near as upbeat as this!
By the way, how much Vitamin D do you take, daily? I'm doing 5000 IU (I thin that's how they're measured). It does help.
Love, me
I've noticed that many bloggers seem to go through similar cycles at the
same time. That could be because I'm reading blogs and following tweeps who
are at the same stage as me in the blogging process, or like when you get a
new car, you suddenly notice how many others are driving one just like it,
lol.
Vit. D: I take 50,000 IU twice a week. My deficiency is pretty severe.
Thanks for commenting!
Glad you're feeling better! And it's great that you were able to see some of the causes and develop a plan for helping to lift yourself out. My mom would always say (whenever anything unpleasant was going on) “This too shall pass.” It used to annoy the hell out of me but now I understand how valuable that little phrase can be. You do what you can do to help things get better but you recognize that there are some things you can't control so you let that stuff be.
Seems as though we were going through our depression around the same time.
Sometimes digging myself out of it is really difficult and takes a lot of work. Sometimes I just flip back into normal, happy mode. But usually, I need to sleep a little more, eat a little better, connect with people face-to-face.
It’s good to see you here – thanks for commenting! I find that I flip back
to normal more quickly now that I’m older. A big part of that, I believe, is
hormones. My mother and a cousin of mine both told me they felt downright
serene past menopause — something to look forward to for you!