When I was young, I spent hours in front of the mirror, not primping so much as examining. I explored every pimple, every pore, every flaw. Like all teens, I was obsessed with my Self. And the more I looked, the less I recognized. I felt like an alien being trying to get used to this newfangled body and face. Who was this? The mirror wouldn’t say.
Now, I feel the same way, getting used to my picture being plastered all over the internet — here, the voice coaching site, Twitter, Facebook, my comments on other blogs. I’ve been online with a website in one form or another since 1997, but until recently, I never showed my own face.
It became clear soon after I started The Complete Flake that I was going to have to come clean and share more than just words with you. I wanted to do it but I was worried that I was too old, too fat. I don’t know what I thought you’d do [scream and run in the opposite direction?] but I was convinced that older people [and fat people] are not accepted in the social circles of younger, thinner folks. And for the most part, this corner of the web seems to be made up of the under-50, trimmer set. I could be wrong about that, but that’s my perception. And who knows, maybe a lot of people are hiding like I did.
I finally worked up the courage to tell my age [but not my weight!] in a very protected setting, Dave Navarro’s Group Mentorship forum, when I joined and introduced myself in March. Funny thing: nobody ran. In fact, several people replied by ‘coming out’ about their own age. I was still the oldest, but I felt a lot better.
Interactions with younger forum members who now knew my age, especially Wendy Maynard and Catherine Caine, bolstered my confidence and led me to put my toe in the water on Twitter. I replaced my red poppy avatar with a snapshot of me taken several years ago. The reaction was immediate and unbelievably positive. It was a little jarring to see my own face every time I tweeted, but within days it seemed perfectly normal.
Monday, as I looked at all the shots of me that my son’s fiancee had taken in the morning light, I tried to choose just the right one for this site and the voice coaching site. I was struck again by this strange face looking back at me, aging before my eyes. Who was this?
Ah, but the eyes, they were still the person I recognized from so many hours in front of the mirror, so many years ago.
Still me, whoever that is.
[I don’t mean that I don’t know who I am. I do; I just can’t put it into words. I can describe this and that about my personality — I’m a flake, I’m a nice person, blah blah blah — but those details are external. The essence of who we are goes deeper than that. I like to believe the Eastern philosophy about the Self, that when we connect with it, we are really connecting with the Universe. Oh boy, I’m sure I messed that up but that’s how I see it. I don’t get too deep about it, I just like it.]Oh. So where was I going with this? I guess I’m trying to say that it took some time, some baby steps, and some encouragement to come out of my shell, but it feels good to be out here. After years of hating the way I look even when I was young, I like looking at my picture and seeing my gray hair, my wrinkles, my jowls. I like being me, whoever that is, and I like knowing that you can see who I am at last.
It takes courage to reveal our true selves to the world, but once you take that first baby step, it gets easier. People rush to support you because they know how rare and wonderful our true selves are.
Whoever that is.
Image credit: Vandan Desai
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[…] I was cruising Twitter and up popped a Tweet from LaVonne Ellis of The Complete Flake called The Courage to Be You. I thought “Gee, now that’s a novel idea! Me finding the courage to be ME?” No […]
[…] big kick in the ass came when I read a blog post titled The Courage to Be You written by LaVonne Ellis of The Complete Flake. I never would have known about LaVonne or her […]
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Ah LaVonne, I know exactly how you feel about the avatars.
When I was new to Twitter, it felt safe standing behind that little bird. I'm glad we showed our new avatars around the same time. I felt a lot better!
It still feels weird seeing my picture on comments on people's sites. You did better though with a closer up picture. I'm still a scaredy and you can hardly see me!
LaVonne,
Showing your face, gives credibility and authenticity (ugh-there's that word, again) to your words and your content.
It makes you real.
Love your photo, and your eyes.
Ugggg yep, I started out with a cartoon of me. My guy and I laughed that it looked more like me than the real me! I finally did a real pic but I'm still in hiding. Someone said I looked beautiful and I was stunned. I'm pretty plain actually with skin issues I've had since I was a tween. I stopped looking in the mirror when I was in high school and still look at the mirror but not at me.
Thanks for your thoughtful post. I supposed I need to just get on with it and get a few pics. Thing is I usually take the pics so I'm not in the pics. HA!
I love your avatar! It shows a bit of your personality. Plus, the close-up? Hides pounds, heh.
I love your avatar! It shows a bit of your personality. Plus, the close-up? Hides pounds, heh.
Aww, thank you so much, Jesse! ::blush::
Aww, thank you so much, Jesse! ::blush::
That is a dirty little secret most photographers have. My photog for this shot, Emily, does that too. You practically have to sit on her to get her in a shot.
I was thinking of having a cute little old-lady cartoon made to represent me on the web but frankly, this was cheaper! That's how I make my decisions, heh.
That is a dirty little secret most photographers have. My photog for this shot, Emily, does that too. You practically have to sit on her to get her in a shot.
I was thinking of having a cute little old-lady cartoon made to represent me on the web but frankly, this was cheaper! That's how I make my decisions, heh.
I love your new picture. It's very beautiful!
Thanks Wendy! I like it because it's me, whoever that is!
The first thing I noticed about your new pic was your eyes. The depth, the love, the wisdom, the “flake” ;), all of the beauty that I've experienced through our interactions was looking right back at me. And I smiled and thought, “how lucky we are that she is here.”
Thanks for taking all those baby steps, LaVonne.
It's said that we're all our own worst critics. I've noticed that the people who seem the most comfortable with themselves are very attractive to me. In many cases, their “flaws” are part of what makes them so interesting. Self-confidence and self-acceptance are very sexy.
Anonymity, I think, is how road-rage can exist. It's pretty easy to direct negativity to a non-face. And, as unpopular as it might be to admit, seeing my face let's people make snap decisions about whether or not they want to like or trust me.
Do you think your shyness with showing your face is in any way related to your career on the radio?
What a lovely thing to say. Thank you, Lisa! Now I feel all warm and fuzzy.
Good point about anonymity, Kerrie. I hadn't thought of that. And you
nailed it on the radio thing. I went to a lot of trouble and expense
back then to get “TV ready” — and chickened out. The thought of all
those people scrutinizing me was more than I could handle, lol. I'm
glad I didn't work in TV, though. Those people have to dress up all
the time and wear too much makeup. Bleh.
I'm so glad you “like” you. I am not willing to post a photo, though I don't hide my weight or my age. I'm vain enough to think about getting a haircut and a dye job (maybe).
I don't mean that everybody with a blog should put their photos up. It
just felt right for me to do it.
Where the heck did we all get the idea that there's something wrong with the way we look? Why do we focus there? I do it, too. I almost never think about that fact that my hair is shiny and I have “kind eyes,” as a student once put it. Instead I focus on my bad teeth, pale skin, dark circles, fat thighs, etc.
I think Kerrie is absolutely right that the way to be attractive is to be comfortable with yourself. I did a guided visualization where you visit your future self 5 years from now, and I loved the way she looked because, well, okay, she'd gotten in much better shape, but mostly, she was relaxed and happy. You can't paint that on, and it's beautiful.
Since doing that, I've been trying to feel her (my future self) already inside me, and people have actually commented that I look better, and specifically, more relaxed.
So…we can't turn back the clock or undo our genetic inheritance, but we can relax and love ourselves. Sounds ridiculously sappy, but I really think it's true.
I think it's pretty clear that Hollywood and the media have a lot to
do with our messed up self images, but my mom felt that way too
because she was obese all her life. Toward the end of her life, after
being very ill for six months, she said quite happily, “I weigh 140
pounds!” This, as she was dying of cancer. Something's wrong there.
I love your guided visualization about your future self. I did that
without realizing it 40 years ago, and now I'm the person I imagined.
Long story that I'm going to have to figure out how to fit into the
blog, lol. Thanks for reminding me!
Where the heck did we all get the idea that there's something wrong with the way we look? Why do we focus there? I do it, too. I almost never think about that fact that my hair is shiny and I have “kind eyes,” as a student once put it. Instead I focus on my bad teeth, pale skin, dark circles, fat thighs, etc.
I think Kerrie is absolutely right that the way to be attractive is to be comfortable with yourself. I did a guided visualization where you visit your future self 5 years from now, and I loved the way she looked because, well, okay, she'd gotten in much better shape, but mostly, she was relaxed and happy. You can't paint that on, and it's beautiful.
Since doing that, I've been trying to feel her (my future self) already inside me, and people have actually commented that I look better, and specifically, more relaxed.
So…we can't turn back the clock or undo our genetic inheritance, but we can relax and love ourselves. Sounds ridiculously sappy, but I really think it's true.
I think it's pretty clear that Hollywood and the media have a lot to
do with our messed up self images, but my mom felt that way too
because she was obese all her life. Toward the end of her life, after
being very ill for six months, she said quite happily, “I weigh 140
pounds!” This, as she was dying of cancer. Something's wrong there.
I love your guided visualization about your future self. I did that
without realizing it 40 years ago, and now I'm the person I imagined.
Long story that I'm going to have to figure out how to fit into the
blog, lol. Thanks for reminding me!
I have to agree with @Thanh Ngoc Tran because while my picture is close-up it's still blurry – sort of on purpose because that's a little bit how I “see” myself. I'm getting better. There is actually a video of me floating around on the web and I'm no longer freaking out that it's clear.
I'll eventually work my way up to a shot as clear and wonderfully revealing as yours is, soon. Eh, maybe
My mother has experienced the same thing. She's 90 now, and in the last three years, she's lost about 40 pounds due to heart surgery and cancer. She's cancer-free now, and what she's chosen to be ecstatic about is not that she gets to live a while longer, but that she's no longer a plus size and has hair again.
I suppose it's a reproductive/survival strategy for our species for us to worry about this stuff so much. Our primitive brains sure do cause us grief!
Remember, too, what you're trying to communicate with your photo. I switched from a professional shot with a coat-hanger smile to an outdoor self-portrait, despite its poor image quality, because I wanted people to see me as a nature girl. (That is, after all, who I am, and who I want to attract.) I'll get a better one eventually, that combines the naturalness with professional quality. 🙂
LaVonne, your picture also conveys someone who is warm and natural. If that's what you were after, it worked!
I didn't think you meant that; I was just explaining my hesitation. When I look in the mirror, I am always horrified, because the woman reflected is not the one I see with my eyes closed.
Hi LaShae, and welcome! It was a leap of faith, believe me! It really
helped to have a small group of very encouraging people around me, so
I knew I'd have support.Baby steps!
Sorry to be late to the comment party but wanted to add my voice to the chorus – I love the new picture. It took me awhile to put a picture up on Twitter etc. but I'm glad I did! It took me a long time to pick a picture but I chose this one because it was taken on a particularly beautiful day in Portland and I was really happy 🙂
Thank yo, Jessica – I love your picture too. You happiness radiates from it. 🙂
What perfect timing for me to have found this article! I'm struggling with this very same thing right now and this article may be just the inspiration I need to push me over the edge and just do it! When you've lived the safe life of a hermit for so long it's extremely difficult to break out of it. Amazing thoughts, Woman! Thanks so much for your heartfelt honesty and for having the courage to talk about it to the world.
Another hermit! Welcome! The only reason I'm not TOTALLY isolated is that my son & his fiancee are living with me to save rent. But I am so a hermit at heart, as well as by necessity because of my health. I love the way the web, blogs, Twitter, etc., give us a safe way to have a social life. 🙂
I don't want to push you over the edge, lol, but it sounds like you want to do it and could use some encouragement. That's exactly how I felt — nervous but ready. Go for it!