How would I describe my people style? Let’s see: works from home, small circle of friends, prefers a back-country camping trip over a crowded music festival, listens more than she talks.
Yup, I’m an introvert and proud of it. And I know I’m in good company. Alright, let’s get the stereotypes out of the way — introverted does not mean shy or scared or snooty. I’m a confident, down-to-earth person who happily takes risks to meet people.
Introversion just means that it takes energy for me to interact with others.
After being in a large group, especially with people I don’t know well, I need recovery time. Preferably snug in my room with the latest Sara Zarr novel, or knitting while I watch In Treatment. Being alone recharges my batteries and dispels the scattered, spent feeling I have after social time.
So when I joined up with the original Customer Love challenge in September, I knew I would not be following Naomi’s advice to the letter. I would not be insanely active on Twitter, I would not be making boatloads of friends. I needed to do Customer Love the introvert way — otherwise I would flame out.
For guidance, I looked at how I handle socializing in my personal life. At parties, my strategy is to park myself in a corner and let people come to me. I prefer one-on-one interactions to group discussions. I skip past small talk as quickly as possible and zero in on meaningful topics. During meetings, I wait for everyone else to say their piece and then chime in with something short but insightful at the end.
In other words, I try to get the biggest bang for my social-energy buck.
Here are four ways that we introverts can rock Customer Love without exhausting ourselves.
Have deeper conversations with fewer people
Talking to just one person is the most restful kind of engagement for me. I surrender into my curiosity about that person, and there’s a natural back-and-forth rhythm to the conversation. I don’t worry about whether everyone’s comfortable and getting equal airtime, and I don’t have to break into a stream of talk in order to have my say.
During the first Customer Love challenge, I focused on promoting my free 30-minute coaching sessions for writers and artists. Thanks to some savvy advice from Chris Anthony, I used a giveaway to drive sign-ups, and ended up meeting some great people.
I also made it easy for people to book their sessions by setting up an online scheduler. (I used TimeTrade, but there are others like Setster and Acuity Scheduling out there.) I love these schedulers because they eliminate the tedious back-and-forth of deciding on a time. I just get a meeting notification, show up on the phone, and dive right into the good stuff.
Talking to writers and artists at length about what stops them from creating gave me a huge infusion of excitement and inspiration about my business. And what I learned from those conversations is shaping the product I’m designing in Action Studio as we speak.
Read and listen
Yes, I have found a way to justify the countless hours I spend with my RSS reader! Absorbing information is a natural mode for introverts, and everything I learn goes into the hopper for later use.
When I read what my Right People have to say on their blogs and in their comments, I get a feel for the issues on their minds and the problems they need solved. I also gather ideas, stories, and resources to use in my coaching.
The product I’m developing has a built-in component for capturing people’s doubts and frustrations in the moment — so I see more listening in my future!
Share your self-discoveries
We introverts know ourselves thoroughly.
We’re always poking about inside, seeing what makes us tick, and tinkering with the workings. We love personality tests, journaling, and therapy. We are aware. And that awareness can be really useful to our clients, who probably share many of our traits but maybe haven’t investigated them as fully.
Havi Brooks sets a great example for using self-discovery to fuel the fire of Customer Love. This past summer she delved into how she could spend less time on her business. Her ideas are tailor-made for introverts:
Teach by modeling what [I] do instead of explaining what [I] do. . . Instead of writing posts, I turn my journaling into posts. . . . Daily writing does double duty, and we skip the Occasional Posts of How-to-ishness for a while.
(See what I mean about reading and listening? I read that post from Havi back in July and it’s still on my mind today. I didn’t comment on it at the time, but I’m writing about it now. That’s how I roll.)
This tactic of sharing self-discoveries works especially well if you’re doing the very thing you’re helping others do. I’m a fiction writer as well as a coach, so I can give people a window on my writing process. People offering business-to-business services can get all meta about their own entrepreneurial efforts. This efficiency pleases the introvert in me very much.
Use mystique to your advantage
A few weeks ago I took a brand personality test by Sally Hogshead called the F Score, which measures the triggers that make you fascinating to people.
No surprise that my predominant trigger is Mystique, which Sally describes as the quality of “enticing others to learn more, building anticipation for every interaction.”
People with mystique do not tweet every minute of the day (not that there’s anything wrong with frequent tweeting, it just doesn’t leave much to the imagination!). We generally hold our cards close to our chest, so when we lay part of our lives bare, it has more impact. People pay for our premium services, in part, because they want to get closer to us.
By reframing my limited involvement online as “mystique” rather than laziness or reticence, I’m able to let go of my guilt for not being uber-active on Twitter and forums and comment threads. And when I do speak up, I try to say things that are substantive and tantalizing (not claiming I’m an oracle of wisdom, but that’s the direction I’m aiming).
So if you’re an introvert who’s been watching the whizzing traffic of online conversation pass by and wondering how you could possibly keep up, why not wave a few of your Right People off the road and connect at a pace that suits your personality?
P.S. While I’m busy with Customer Love, I haven’t forgotten about Peer Group Love. All of these suggestions work for making business friends too.
P.P.S. If you want a video version of Customer Love the introvert way, look no further than Charlie Gilkey’s talk, Go Big or Go Home . . . or Go Deep. I was happy to learn from a successful creative entrepreneur that my own personal strategies actually make business sense.
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I love what you have to say about having deeper conversations with fewer people. I, too, find #customerlove a bit overwhelming. Just watching the tweetchat go by today…so many people, so much action. It’s awesome to see the idea catch on…yet at the same time, once a group gets to a certain size, I tend to back off to the sidelines and watch.
This is an excellent reminder that we introverts can participate in our own way (love the suggestion about waving someone off the road)…and that we need to take care of ourselves in the process. Thank you for this!
Patty, I have the same trouble with tweetchats – especially now that I’m leading one, ack! So far, it’s been just barely manageable but I do wind up literally sweating and wiped out by the end. Can’t imagine how people handle larger groups. I can’t deal with #blogchat or #lyt, for instance.
Thanks for the great ideas, Alison!
I know that dazed, overstimulated feeling! Apparently, introverts have a low tolerance for dopamine (the neurotransmitter triggered by exciting activities), so even though a dopamine bath is pleasurable, too much of it makes us feel anxious and drained.
More details here: http://www.suite101.com/content/extroversion-v-introversion-a24464
I’m finding the same thing with Action Studio — even though there are only thirty people, I can’t keep up with all the videos and forum posts. Too much to process. I’m trying to focus my energy just on my mastermind group.
By the way, Psychology Today recently published a long article called “Revenge of the Introvert, which is great: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201008/revenge-the-introvert
What a fantastic post, Alison – loved the bit about introverts knowing ourselves thoroughly, that really resonated with me.
I am an introvert – it probably doesn’t show because I am very active online but I hate big groups & I’m much better one-on-one. I prefer interacting virtually to offline stuff because then I can hold people at a manageable distance.
Thanks for a great post and the article link, I really enjoyed them. I’m a full-fledged introvert, and have been all my life. Yesterday I joked on Twitter that after my trip out to town on Monday I was looking forward to not going out again until my next appointment – 13 December.
Not going out for a month? Yes, that’s my default position: only go out if I absolutely have to. As for visiting or being visited – a couple of hours is plenty, thank you very much. Unless you also like silence when doing something creative like an art journal. I’ve decided to stop attending regualr get-togethers of scrapbookers because I can’t do with all the noise and distraction.
I’m sure my natural position is exacerbated by the chronic pain I live with daily, and the large amounts of pain relief medication I take. But even so, I am happy with my situation; it suits me although I’m in complete contrast to my husband who’s quite a social animal.
@Ryah: It’s nice to know that I am not the only one who doesn’t go out much.
Not that I dread going out, it’s just that I love staying in! I’m a little better now, since my husband likes to go out with me in tow, but highways used to get built even before I went out again.
I’m slightly better in summer, when I don’t have to struggle into coats and scarves and gloves. Even then, it might be only that I pop out onto the deck to soak up some sun.
Do I dread going out – you made me wonder. I think I do sometimes, because it can turn into a mammoth logistical task to get hold of an accessible taxi, or use the ambulance for hospital trips which makes a 10 minute appointment last anything up to 5 hours!
The Internet has saved me from my introverted self and allowed me to function more like an extrovert and build a better business.
Kirsty, that “manageable distance” part is so true. I try to participate online as much as possible because I could never be that socially active in person.
I dread parties, networking events, and even family get-togethers at times, but when I’m doing my “thing” my photography or my teaching I seem to totally forget that I’m an Introvert. When I’m teaching (in the classroom) I feel like an actor on stage, and when I’m shooting I’m in charge and totally confident. Weird, eh?
Doesn’t sound weird to me at all, Marlene, I’m very similar.
What a great post! You describe how I feel when I am constantly socializing. It’s great fun and all, but it sure is exhausting!
Also, thanks for the link. It was very helpful.
Hey, everyone, nice to know we’re not alone, eh? (And a little ironic, considering we’re introverts!) Considering that about 50% of the population scores introvert on the MBTI test, I think it’s important to publicly own our tendencies, celebrate them and acknowledge our strengths, rather than trying to pretend to be someone we’re not.
@Ryah, I’m a sort of roving homebody. I like travelling because no one knows me or has expectations to see me. My family spent three months in Beijing last year, and the only people I talked to were my husband and kids and family back home by Skype. I thought I might start craving contact, but no! I would probably be happy on a desert island, as long as it had WiFi, a library, and my few favourite people.
@Marlene, I was lucky that I had a very introvert-friendly job (technical writer, alone at my cubicle for hours) but I was even happier when I started freelancing. Now with coaching, I get the best of both worlds: stretches of solitude and then really engaging conversations with clients.
So glad you all enjoyed the post. Being intentional about these approaches has been really freeing for me.
I’d be comfortable on an island like that too! I’m pretty much alone most of the time here: once my husband leaves for work at 7am I have 11 hours all to myself. The only person I see is my Mum, who comes down to make lunch because she thinks I need to eat properly. Of course, the real reason is just that she likes doing things for us.
Alison,
I love this post. Introverts unite! And thanks for linking to my Laura Roeder post. 🙂
I’ve referred to myself as an extroverted introvert for years, for the exact reason you mentioned: it takes a lot out of me when I’m “on” for a group of people. Last year I had 16 client contacts that I was entertaining throughout the course of a 3 day conference, and I was exhausted for a week afterwards! I appreciate the tip to “Go Deep”- that’s a great strategy!
Alison,
I was moved and inspired by your post…I find it hard to figure out the balance between keeping my head down and getting my work done and being “on,” networking, trying to connect, especially since I sure prefer the former to the latter. Thanks for sharing your wisdom!
For years I’ve called myself “an introvert who’s learned to exercise her internal extrovert.” I’m a lively and engaging teacher and a professional performer (singer/songwriter cum comedian) to boot (Marlene, many famous performers are actually introverts), and if I had a dollar for every person who has argued with me about my introversion/extroversion, I’d be a rich woman. “YOU? There is NO WAY you’re an introvert!”
(Can I just say, that is VERY annoying?)
I’ve become much less shy, and much more comfortable being outgoing over the years, but I’m still native to the Land of Introversion. I’m not as far on the introvert side of the scale as some people I know, but extroversion is definitely something I’ve learned, not my native way of being.
We live in a culture that appreciates and understands extroverts much more than introverts, so it’s always a treat to find introvert validation. 🙂 I love your tips for how to use our natural tendencies to our advantage.
Wonderful post, and thanks for the great links!
Thank you! I took some inspiration from Beth Buelow (of the Introvert Entrepreneur) — she did a recent podcast on “Creating Introvert Pride of Ownership” (http://bethbuelow.com/2010/11/03/creating-introvert-pride-of-ownership-with-beth-buelow/)
Beth actually describes an anecdote just like yours, the “What? You’re not an introvert!” comment — as though it’s something to be ashamed of! Not cool.
Ack, the ‘no way you’re an introvert’ annoys me too. I mean really, I sometimes have to go and hide out in my study at parties or sit on the stairs and talk to just one person – of course, I’m an introvert. I’m just a LOUD introvert.
Excellent post! You should really expand on this, it’s one of the few introverted networking pieces I’ve seen that actually acknowledges how draining social interaction can be. So many people pay that lip service and go on to offer advice that completely ignores it.
Perhaps we should all write a paragraph for an eBook or something?
What an awesome idea, Ryah.
Alison, it’s refreshing to read the introvert way of doing business. I can’t remember seeing anything like this before. Keep at it! (Speaking as an introvert…)
Love your post, Alison! So much of it resonated for me, especially since right now I’m trying to find that balance of reaching out in a way that others will respond to, while honoring my introverted style and preferences. I just actually wrote a post about how even non-in-person interaction (Facebook, e-mails, blogs, books), during which we’re filling our brains with other people’s thoughts, can be draining! Although, it’s hard for this information junkie to keep away from the internet feast 🙂
And what you say about sharing self-discoveries? So true! An introvert’s self-awareness is an asset when it comes to connecting with others. We make it safe for others to say “me, too!” and join in a dialogue. The articles and posts where I’ve gotten the most bang for my energy buck – as well as feedback and connection – have been those when I was authentically transparent: “Oh wow, did I screw up! Here’s what happened, and here’s I learned…” As long it’s my choice to share, and on my terms, it’s grounding and satisfying to reveal the “ah ha!” moments.
Thanks also for sharing that F Score quiz link; I’m “prestige” primary, “mystique” secondary. Very interesting… will be reading more about that! So my prestige trigger thanks you very kindly for the shout-outs as links in the post and comments :-).