Why I jumped out of bed. In my sleep.

Friday, August 3, 2018 – somewhere outside of Spokane, WA

I am finally, as Willie would say, on the road again. I know I will miss my adopted family back in Chewelah, but I’m glad to be smelling sun-warmed pine needles again. I love the fragrance of the forest.

The last night, however, I got a bumpy start

After packing the van up and making our good-byes (because I’d be leaving early in the morning and wouldn’t want to wake everyone up just for a hug), we settled in for one last night’s sleep under the huge, side-yard maple tree where I had camped for the past seven weeks. I got comfy in my new-ish bed while Scout sprawled on the narrow floor space of the van.

Two hours later, I woke crashing headlong to the floor in the dark, feeling bumps and scratches from unseen clutter on the way down.

I had been sleeping so soundly that I was completely disoriented as I groaned with pain and turned onto my back.

What the hell?!

I looked up to see the shadow of Scout standing over me as if to say, “What are you doing?” I must have just missed her. That’s when I realized where I was and what had happened.

I’d been dreaming that I was riding in the back seat of a car when we passed another car and I saw a man I knew. He looked my way, but for some reason I didn’t want him to see me, so I lunged for the floor of the car… and woke up in midair.

I had just literally dived out of bed in my sleep

But the problem now was how to get up. I was wedged between my kitchen cabinet on one side, my chair on the other side, with my feet jammed against the bed. There was no space to maneuver and nothing to grab and pull myself to a sitting position.

And what was that wet feeling under my butt? Had I just PEED in my sleep too? Will the indignity never end? I felt around and realized I had landed on a plastic water jug that had broken from the impact. A gallon of water was spreading under my backside.

Just water, I thought, relieved. But what am I gonna do now?

Yes, it’s true: I had fallen and I couldn’t get up

After some thought, I remembered a trick for getting out of the bathtub that I learned years ago when I was caregiving for my mother: turn over and get on your knees. Then, getting up is possible.

So I slowly dragged myself up, groaning with every ache, changed into dry clothes, and crawled back into bed just a bit nervous that I might fall out again. But I didn’t.

You might think that was the end of the story

But the really interesting part is the insight I got from a Facebook conversation a few days later.

Tzaddi Gordon posted that she had found the answer to a problem in a dream, and I joked that I wondered what the answer was in my dream that had prompted me to jump out of bed.

Tzaddi was curious and asked for more information. I said I had dreamed that I was trying to avoid being seen—oh. Now it made sense. Dreams, I hear, can be quite literal.

In real life, I do avoid being seen

• Many years ago, I wanted to be an actress but stage fright was overwhelming. I wound up working in radio instead, feeling safe from scrutiny behind the mic in a small studio where I could pretend that no one was listening.
• I’ve always been a bit of a hermit, hiding from the world in various apartments, curtains drawn. “Mom,” my son complained more than once, “we live like moles!”
• Now, I hide in my van, watching the world from behind tinted windows. (Yes, I know that sounds creepy, sorry.) I get upset when Scout sees a dog and barks, drawing attention to us.
• I hide on social media where I can pretend to be, um, social.
• I often joke that becoming ‘invisible’ after menopause, as many women feel, is actually great because I can get away with anything.
• And it may sound odd, but being overweight is also a way to avoid being seen. During what I call my ‘fifteen minutes of slimness’ years ago, I felt exposed, naked. Regaining the weight was almost a relief.

So, the answer from my dream was this: I can’t lose weight because I want to avoid being seen. I want to feel invisible. And safe. Even though I hate the way I look and feel.

And that, dear friends, is why I jumped out of bed. In my sleep. I like to dream big.