Creativity envy

I always wanted to be smart. And creative. And to think lofty thoughts.

Instead, I think about money and food and how shitty this latest migraine feels and how cute my puppy is and can we stop with the hate? and please God, let Bernie Sanders get elected President.

Much as I wish I had deeper thoughts, that is about as deep as it gets

So I figured when I made the big announcement a couple of weeks ago that I was starting a new weekly newsletter inspired by Maria Popova’s Brain Pickings, that I would suddenly start reading a classier class of reading material, which would raise my IQ somehow and lead to better writing and then you, dear reader, would be struck dumb by my brilliance.

Um, not yet

Listening to an episode of a great new podcast about creativity by my friend, Melissa Dinwiddie the other day, I was reminded of my own case of creativity envy (including my envy of how well Melissa has put together her podcast! She even sings — and probably wrote — her own theme song!)

When I read a beautiful passage by a wonderful author or see an incredible work of art, instead of being inspired by it, I find myself thinking, “I’ll never be that good,” and I give up.

Sound familiar?

You may have read or heard of Carol Dweck’s book, “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success,” which talks about the mindset that so many of us suffer from, what she calls the Fixed Mindset. In other words, we assume that everyone is born with certain gifts and talents that can’t be changed or improved upon. But the Growth Mindset says that we CAN grow and improve.

All we have to do is keep trying

My first lesson about this came in my high school art class. I thought I was pretty talented — until I saw a sketch by another classmate. It was like something you might see by Da Vinci: an incredible line drawing of an old man, every wrinkle and crease so realistic it was like looking at a photograph.

As I admired and envied my classmate’s talent, I saw a detail I could not have imagined: even the whites of the old man’s eyes were shaded to capture the illusion of three dimensional eyeballs.

If I had a growth mindset, I would have learned from this tiny detail to become a better artist. But instead, my fixed mindset told me it was hopeless, that I could never even come close to the talent displayed in that pencil drawing.

There and then, I gave up my dream of becoming an artist

What a shame!

Of course, I could always pick up where I left off if I wanted to, but my interest eventually settled on writing. I gave up many times over the years because I didn’t think I could do justice to the visions in my mind, but I always came back to it because my stories just wouldn’t leave me alone. Thank God!

Ira Glass said it well : we get discouraged because our taste is better than our ability. But if we keep trying, we get better.

So, I keep trying. You should too.