I had an ugly break-up with a friend the other day. It didn’t feel good but at the same time, it was a huge relief. The whole experience raised questions in my mind about what kind of person I am.
I want to be a good person. I’m sure you do, too. But what exactly IS that? Are we caring and loving toward others if we let them assume that we will always be there to rescue them? Or are we good people if we let them fall, to experience the consequences of their mistakes?
But who are we to judge someone else’s mistakes, anyway?
Hell, I have certainly made plenty of my own mistakes. I have paid the price but I have also received help, and I have tried to pay it back as well as forward.
I spoke the truth and my now-former friend feels betrayed and hurt. I didn’t want that. I just wanted to wake my friend up… and let’s be honest, to be free of what was becoming a suffocating relationship. There is no way to do that without hurt feelings.
And it reinforces my instinct to be very careful who I get close to — for their sake as well as mine.
Life can be messy and painful. I wish it wasn’t so.
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Truth is another lie.
It strains our hearts and minds to be compassionate and maintain good boundaries. I believe that compassion is always the correct response, even in bad situations. Sometimes compassion means we stand close, sometimes it expresses itself in walking away. What we have to remember is who we are, where we are going and what our mission is – what our purpose is – and then perhaps this difficult thing becomes easier. I hope the best for you going forward. Just remember, kindness is NEVER wrong. Hugs on your journey!
Yes, well, that’s the rub, isn’t it? What is kindness and what is just prolonging the pain?
It happens again and again… which is why I am going to stick to being a hermit and going solo. It’s just too painful to do otherwise. It seems that as soon as I unpack and set up camp, I begin resenting I am no longer mobile. Seems as soon as I invite someone to visit camp… I resent their presence. I have this approach/avoidance thing going on all the time. So I know that now. I know better. Now to learn how to do better.
I am sorry you are going through this.
Thank you, Charlene. Yes, going solo is tempting.
Charlene, LaVonne
Do either of you think that going the hermit route is kind of extreme? Can you not maintain friendships while at the same time setting limits?
As my wife and I prepare to move into our camper in two more months, we are looking forward to seeing old friends (Charlene and others) and meeting new friends, but with the inherent mobility of the camper, being able to walk away from friendships that become overwhelming and/or suffocating.
If a friend cannot handle being told that they are too much in your life, without getting all “Butt Hurt”, that is their problem, not yours. It shouldn’t impact your other relationships.
Gregg
Sometimes compromises just won’t work, because some people have no boundaries. If I set up my full camp so I can have the lifestyle I want while camping, it’s a huge job for me to break camp if I need get to space from someone else who is nearby. One guy camped near me in recent years would just show up all the time, wanting me to look at his rocks and tell him what they were. Even when I told him I was busy, not dressed yet and on the phone long distance, and that I would have to talk to him later, an hour later I emerge from the van to find him right there at my door, with his bike, and rocks lined up on the seat for me to inspect for him. I was due in town in 20 min. and just had to quickly brush him off. Before returning from town, I bought a skull and cross bones flag, and told him that if it was flying it meant I needed “alone” time and he should not come over. I had been enjoying his company on field trips and out looking for rocks, but he ruined it all for me by just dropping in all the time. And even when folks I want to visit come over, just the presence of a lot of people in one place, kicks up too much desert dust for me with my COPD. I can not enjoy the company of others if I feel I am risking my health to do so. Same with campfires. It is what it is, and so long as I am listening to my body, I can remain healthy. If I do not remain healthy, who will be there to take care of me??? The rock guy?? If you are on public lands, you can not keep people from just dropping in on you. I don’t intend to isolate myself from others, but it is better to have am camp location undisclosed… and to keep in touch with you and Kerri and others I want to spend time, in your camps… or in doing things together like field trips, etc. I mean, in your sticks and bricks existence, you people just walk into your house anytime??? Yet they think nothing of it in camp. I just can’t do that anymore. But keep in touch and we will have quality time to enjoy each others company.
yes life and relationships are painful. They can also be rewarding. Don’t give up on humans. Just choose carefully. A lesson learned in life is never time wasted. There are good people and bad. Think of the positive people you have impacted in life and those that have impacted yours. Bet there will be a longer list on the good side. Thanks for being you.
Good advice, Linda, thank you. Hope to see you at RTR again this year. 🙂
I feel the pain. Been in the situation any number of times – friends, family, employees. People usually need someone to vent ON. They really don’t want your advice, or even your help. They want you to validate, affirm, agree with them, even when you know their action is wrong or they are shooting themselves in their own feet I’ve reached a point where I tell people I don’t get paid for my advice, therefore I don’t give my advice. I’m not anyone else’s messiah. I have enough challenges taking care of my own foibles and screw-ups without getting involved in anyone else’s. It’s a zero sum game, LaVonne, you can’t win – damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Hang tuff!
Ed
Haha, so true!
I have a friend who was a psych nurse for many years and I met her in University while she was pursuing her dream of being a psychiatrist (which she accomplished). I always think of her when issues like this come up in my life. We use to talk a lot about healthy boundaries. I think to be compassionate is to understand the person’s situation and help if you are able to. It does not mean to take care of them especially if they haven’t learned the importance of being responsible for themselves. It is not your job to take care of those that don’t bother to take care of themselves. I really believe that the life you have as a mature adult is a direct result of the decisions you make along the way. Some people just don’t get that. Being kind is a two way street in a relationship.
Amen, Lynn! Amen!
Yes, and it also means that a friendship cannot be based on pity.
I had a very painful breakup of a friendship that had lasted 25 years early this year. It still hurts.
So sorry to hear that, Diane. *hugs*
I’m mourning a 12-year friendship. Been 9 months. She misunderstood my meaning and we met up to discuss it a few months later but still doesn’t call or come close. Devastated.
Yet, relationship is the most important part of being alive. I will continue to love. I can not live a sterile life. Daddy died in’73 at age 40. I’m getting chances he never got.
Hiding isn’t an option. Yes, after a hurt I will rest and heal and mourn. But I will not stop connecting.
That said, I once read in “Are You the One for Me?” (Very wise love advice book): “Don’t fall in love with potential.” That has helped me keep strong boundaries with potential new friends.
I have realized that I am attracted to people with dramatic life stories. I’m a dedicated friend. Better to not start with some people. Boundaries can include kindness… to them, and to me.
The concept of healthy boundaries has changed my life. And now I have amazing friends where we are truly equal. I don’t need to do more in the relationship than they do, for the relationship to feel balanced.
Hugs to you. Honor the mourning and go forth standing tall, my friend.
There’s nothing noble or kind to being an enabler. Yes, stating the truth as you feel it from your pov can hurt another. But in the long run often the wisest, kindest, most loving choice to be made for each party.
Life is not one straight line, and there is no solution that creates a perfect existence. I fall out with friends regularly, sometimes that’s what it takes to be heard… and most of the time the friendship grows back..with much healthier foundations.
I do think too that women bring too much obligation to relationships, feeling obliged to ‘be supportive’ and nurturing and encouraging (I hate ‘hugs’) .. when real friendship is natural, organic and based in genuine enjoyment of each others conversation/company/history…its a LOT more pleasurable..
Friends come and go..some friendships get stronger, some fade away… thats life 🙂