Tuesday, December 18, 2018 – Ehrenberg, Arizona
Sorry I haven’t posted in a long time. I seem to be in post-roadtrip letdown, trying to figure out what to do with myself now that I’ve crossed that major goal off my list.
But it’s not really crossed off because it wasn’t enough. I want to go back and see/do all the things I missed, but first I need to decide on a new goal. Yes, I need a goal. Not having one (or more) just feels yucky and depressing.
Speaking of depressing… I’ve been wondering lately if I’m depressed. I don’t think so but I do feel, um, off. Anxious, I guess. And the goal thing is why. Sometimes I wonder how people can go through life, quite happily, without trying to achieve something bigger than just living.
I caught the fame bug as a kid from watching too much TV
I was seven when I decided to become famous someday—even came up with a pre-“Mary Tyler Moore Show” sitcom about a freckle-faced girl reporter called, “Hey, Vicki!” The opening credits involved me walking around big-city streets wearing a cute hat, looking up at the buildings with a huge grin on my face. Sound familiar? I kid you not.
It seems to be part of American culture. If you’re not dreaming of some big, impossible goal like getting your own TV show, what’s the point of living?
We are a self-improvement society. It’s a national obsession that goes back to the very founding of our country: “…life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” has morphed into the pursuit of perfection which, I don’t need to tell you, is not possible.
So, if perfection is impossible and imperfection is unacceptable, where does that leave us very imperfect humans?
Madison Avenue knows. It leaves us feeling like failures, and then sells us a shit-ton of products, magazines, and self-help books.
But I digress
I’ve been feeling like a failure lately because I haven’t achieved any of my impossible goals.
- Didn’t write the book I promised during my big roadtrip (unless you count the blog posts I wrote during the trip, which I didn’t collate and turn into a book.)
- Didn’t revise the first drafts of two memoirs I wrote several years ago.
- Still struggling to finish the last two of many crochet projects for friends, one of which was commissioned over a year ago.
- Totally froze after friends persuaded me to go ahead with a stated intention to start a podcast about America’s housing crisis. Because I don’t think small.
Those are just the latest in a long string of big goals that I have flaked out on, because they were just too overwhelming. Small goals don’t appeal to my grandiose imagination.
So, what to do?
I still want to do all those things but I can’t seem to focus on any of them long enough to make progress, can’t decide which one to work on first. I can’t even decide to just toss a coin.
…time passes, a week to be exact…
Christmas Eve morning, 2018
I think I’ve decided
Maybe I should be more definite about that. I’ve decided. I’m going to do the podcast. Oh man, is it scary to type that out loud. But I’m going to do it anyway, imperfectly, and see what happens.
If you haven’t lost patience with me yet, I hope you will follow along as I share the process of researching, writing/recording, editing, and launching it. Stay tuned.
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This resonates on many levels, thanks for sharing. I think it has been a time for many of us when we are feeling a push to go forward yet are feeling stuck, or are looking for answers that just aren’t meant to be there yet. It seems, instead, a time to be quiet and go inward which is so not what our culture supports.
Glad to hear about the podcast. And remember, as a wise teacher just shared with me, “done is better than perfect!”. My new mantra :-).
I don’t get shit done, don’t care about goals, never have since I aquired PTSD in the service.
I have learned its OK to be a worthless slob, in fact most people are worthless slobs in private.
Our group has been meeting a long time, we discuss each others lives, yesterday everyone was asked
if they put on a good facade, and in fact are really lazy. All 12 of us admitted we were lazy worthless
humans. It was liberating actually, we all felt a burden lifted and felt better about admitting our
true natures. I would’nt worry to much about being a worthless slob, turns out everyone is,
they just act like they get shit done, then when no ones looking, they are essentially worthless
slobs too. We have an accountant, a policeman, a waiter, a plummer, a truck driver, the other 7
of us haven’t held a job in years, don’t want a job, 4 of us are homeless, 3 are in their 30’s and live at home.
Those in our group who do work, admit they hate their jobs, and would quit but are afraid of living on the
streets or are worried what everyone would think. The homeless in our group, including me, choose
to live on the streets because we are lazy free loaders, no big deal. Money, no problem, I made $300
this Monday begging for change by the on ramp of the Hwy 101 downtown Los Angeles. Living life
as a regular person is a trap. You have to be an idiot to think its worthwhile. Its a shit lie.
So stop worrying so much about being a worthless slob, its OK, in fact, its who you are, and me too.
Nobody is impressed with your self acomplishments except maybe you, nobody cares, nobody, ever.
But is OK, its OK to be anything, or nothing. Its OK.
Thanks for your comment, John, and please forgive this very late reply! You made some good points. I’m lazy too, always have been, and sometimes I feel like proclaiming it to the world.
But I disagree that you, I, or anyone is worthless. We’ve been taught in this culture to despise laziness but that doesn’t mean we have to buy into it. If you have lots of money, nobody thinks you’re worthless just because you choose not to work, or take lots of vacations.
By the way, you are a good writer. That’s not worthless. Just saying. 🙂
You go, girl! Every B-HAG (big hairy audacious goal) still has to be completed in little steps, right? (How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time…)
Looking forward to seeing the progress. =) Have fun, too.
Thanks, Sarah — sorry for the long delay in this reply. My B-HAG is not doing so well, dang it. Motivation is hard to find these days, but I’ll keep trying.
There is both external and internal pressure in this society that says a good idea MUST be turned into a goal and that goals must be accomplished. Of course thinking that way will lead to a lot of frustration as well as a destruction of our self worth because there simply is not enough time and energy for all of our good ideas to become reality.
The truth is this creative people generate a vast number of good ideas because they are constantly thinking about what they could create. So you need to recognize it for what it is and don’t worry about turning them into goals. The ideas that will be turned into reality through action will occur because they will simply become a priority for whatever reason with the collision of time, money, interest, necessity, and passion. Many good ideas will sit and simmer on a back burner for quite a few years until you turn up the heat or not. Love your ideas for what they which is a manifestation of your ability to be creative. But don’t let them hold your emotional well being hostage by the societal pressure of thinking they must become a goal that must be accomplished. That is because things happen as time goes on. Don’t cause self destruction over that, it is the way life works, you can’t stop time and you can’t stop changes in your life from happening.
Thank you, very good points. I fall for that goal thing every time and then feel like a big failure when I don’t achieve it.