It’s days like today when I feel like a total fuck-up.
The bad news just keeps piling up, everywhere I turn, and it’s all my fault.
Yesterday, I decided to go to WalMart to buy a $4 pillow. Before I knew it, I had used my debit card to buy $46 worth of other items in my cart, and merrily rolled it out the door toward the van. I had $78 in the bank, so I wasn’t worried. Amazon is due to deposit a royalty check in my account tomorrow for Getting Sh*t Done, most likely $50 or so, just enough to get me through until my Social Security check comes next week.
I got in the van and the phone rang. My elderly friend Nicole said in her thick French accent, “I’m worried about you. Do you have enough money to eat?”
I was tempted to say, “You know, I could use a little help,” but I already owed her money and I just couldn’t bring myself to ask for more.
“That’s very kind of you,” I replied, “but I’m fine.”
Later (after weeks of procrastination because I have this fear of dealing with red tape), I finally found the number to report that the pass card I had applied for, so I could go to Mexico for cheap dental work, is either lost or never arrived.
Because I was in the desert all winter, I had to depend on my daughter-in-law to watch for it in the mail and, well, let’s just say she had other things on her mind.
I got through to a real person after a long wait on hold, just minutes before their east coast closing time. Turns out that by remarkable coincidence yesterday was the deadline for me to file my report by mail… which would need to be postmarked by midnight. Otherwise, I would have to apply all over again, and pay the $60 fee all over too.
I prepared to rush. I had less than an hour to get to the library, print out the report form and—what? The post offices in town were all closed by then. I was two hours too late.
My old friend Procrastination had screwed me over again. I was furious with myself.
This morning, I was just starting to forgive myself for that fuck-up when I checked my bank account app and discovered the balance was a negative $18. Frankly, I was too upset to look and see which autopay bill had come through that I had forgotten about.
So I went to a payday loan place to borrow enough to cover the shortfall and also give me cash to live on for the few days until I get my SS check. When I got back to the van, I felt the warm, wet bad news that Scout had peed on the driver’s seat. Again.
Like I said, bad day.
After I cleaned up the seat with vinegar, laid down a towel and changed my pants, I went to the bank and deposited the cash right away. But it was too late. I soon discovered that a $35 NSF charge had sucked up half of it.
I called the payday loan place to see if I could borrow more and they said yes, if I first repay the earlier loan. In cash. But the bank took most of the money. I only have $26 in the bank now. I can’t repay the loan.
It’s worse.
I already have taken out two payday loans from other places to get through this month, for the limit of $255 each — each to be paid back next week with ‘interest’ of $45. So a total of $700 (including the loan I took out today) will be taken out of my account automatically next week.
All because my van broke down in the Arizona desert on Superbowl Sunday, and I had to borrow $1000 from Nicole and am now paying her back, plus the higher car payment for the new van… etc., etc.
And then there is the $300 loan I need to pay another friend, the $100 I owe the guy who installed my solar panel, and the $340 late payment I promised Verizon… all due next Wednesday. And the fact that my puppy is coming up on her six-month birthday and desperately needs spaying.
I knew the next few months would be tight when I signed on the dotted line for my almost-new van, but it’s a nightmare from which I can’t seem to wake up.
When my doctor’s office called this morning asking about the $25 payment I promised to pay on an overdue bill from last winter, I finally stopped making promises.
“I am living on payday loans,” I said. “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to send it to collection.”
It was a relief to just say it: I CAN’T FUCKING PAY YOU.
So you know, I’m not asking for help. I am just saying it out loud.
I’m tired of pretending everything is fine. It’s not. And I know it’s my fault.
I shouldn’t have blown that money at WalMart. I probably shouldn’t have gotten a puppy either. I should have saved an emergency fund by now. I shouldn’t spend so much money stuffing my face with fast food and snacks to relieve my anxiety. I shouldn’t have gotten addicted to payday loans. I should be more responsible.
I know it will all work out; it always does. But I just needed to come clean.
Now you know my shame — you and the rest of the internet.
My name is LaVonne and I am a complete flake.
Please tell me I’m not the only one.
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Your honesty is refreshing, inspiring, heartfelt, and heart-breaking. And, NO, you’re not the only one. Dennis and I have been there (well, not the PayDay Loans…but not for lack of considering them). You’ll work it out. Plus, you have a hell of a awesome group of friends cheering you on and more.
Thank you, Kat! I sometimes think it would be nice to have a husband to help carry the load but I forget married couples have money troubles too. I hope you and Dennis are in a better place now. 🙂
I went to a college, I didn’t read what I signed, but I know I didn’t sign for additional loans. I’ve refused to pay them, and they collect from my paychecks.
It’s my fault, I coulda looked at the statements from the school to see things were coming in and shouldn’t have been.
Oh well. The whole reason I decided to live in a van was to start picking myself up from the mess I made. To stop relying on others to help me, and see about taking care of the loan.
I may never pay it off, but who knows.
I’m a complete flake too.
Vincent, I know exactly where you are coming from. I got mired in student loan debt when I went back to school in my forties. Frankly, I believe it is a national disgrace and I hope those who are trying to do something about it succeed. Hang in there!
No Lavonne you’re not… I’ve been wanting to write a post like that for a long time… but didn’t have the courage… I’m in pretty much the same..boat …swinging from one bit of cash to another…desperately trying to survive…. like you, I’m ok…I know I will figure it out…Lavonne..its not your fault…its just the way it is… x
Jen, I have to disagree. It IS my fault. I have enough income to live on but I am always pushing the limit, never putting anything away for a rainy day. I have lived this way my entire life, and it stops now.
Sorry you’re having the same struggle. Could we perhaps do a little challenge together this summer to get our finances in order?
You are so brave.
You’re not alone.
Now quit shoulding all over yourself and move forward. 😉 <3
Yes, ma’am!
lavonne,
I also live very minimally. On SSDI. On food share that has gone from $200/ month over the last 5 years to $60. I got $45 added on because
i am on a special diet. The doctor signed a paper that said I was on a low sodium and gluten free diet. Don’t tell the snap people that I cheat on my diet…
Anyhow great news was that I found this app called ” Cash Flow” I religiously use it everytime I spend a penny and check it every day. All my bills and income and debt is entered. It doesnt give me money but feel like it. My money anxiety is way way less now. Hang in there. Come to madeline island , La
Point Wi if you want a cool summer climate, great beaches and low stress. Google it. I can find you free secluded camping with some like minded folk.
Ooh, thanks for the tip, David! I will check out the Cash Flow app right now. 🙂
And thanks for the invite! I’m heading for Big Bear Lake, CA for the summer in a few days but I will keep Madeline Island in mind for another time.
I so admire you for talking so openly and honestly about your money shit. I could never do this, though I totally understand about living from SS check to SS check, with a little inbetween sometimes from art sales.
Much love.
It has been a secret I have wrestled with for a long time, Sue. I think money shame is the biggest secret most people keep. It was a huge relief to hit the Publish button, lol.
Man, that is one terrible, awful, horrible, no good, very bad day! But hell no, you’re not the only one! The solution is out there and you will find it! Sending hugs…this is scary shit but it’s just money. Dog must get spayed but everything else will wait. If you come clean to your creditors, all will be well in the end. xo
You are so right about priorities, Sue — the dog must get spayed! 🙂
Mama, your still an inspiration to me. You have more guts & soul then most. Sometimes shit
just keeps on happening, sort of like diarrhea. Remember your strengths. You’ve survived & thrived after many of life crises. You’ve accomplished so much since starting this new journey.
Thanks for sharing your deepest darkest truths. I love your raw writing.
Thanks, Adriana! Yes, it helps to have lived through tough times before. When I was younger, I remember a similar time when I truly thought the world would end. I learned then that ‘slogging’ through it one day at a time actually works.
Lavonne, you’re so not alone! I’ve been there more times than I can remember! And even tho things for me are somewhat better now, I’m nearly always close to the edge.
Can you return the items to Wal-Mart? Can you call the bank and tell them you’re having a hard time and will they reverse the charges? I’ve done that several times. Most banks will at least once.
Anyway, your openness and honesty is going to resonate for so many.
Thank you, Tina! I thought about throwing myself on the bank’s mercy but was afraid I had been to the well too many times already. I know they have a limit, though I’m not sure what it is. I will try calling them anyway and see what happens. 🙂
As for returning the items to Walmart, they were things I needed though they could have waited a few more days. Now that the crisis is over, it hardly seems necessary.
Thank you for your honesty. You are NOT the only one. This touched my heart and comforted me today (one of my accounts is currently overdrawn, too, due to a “perfect shitstorm” happening all at once). All of us who experience money-related shame need to remember that we are not alone.
Ellen, money-related shame is one reason so many of us stay mired in debt and overdrawn accounts. “Perfect shitstorms” happen. That’s just a fact of life. Maybe coming clean will help both of us prepare for the next one. Hang in there!
The first step is the hardest, LaVonne, facing and accepting the facts and truth. You’ve done that. Once you do that you are no longer a flake, you’re now a responsible adult. You have some tough choices to make. You have to consider what expenses you can cut for the foreseeable future. There are several routes you can probably take, but only you can make the tough choices and follow the path to getting over what seems like a steep mountain.
Personally, I’d get rid of those payday loans first and foremost. Those people are legal loan sharks and with their outrageous interest rates, they’ll have you by the short hairs like students with huge college loans and can’t find a job.You may never get out of them once they get out of control. Once you get rid of those, the rest of the people you owe money to will likely be understanding and you can set up a workable payment plan.
You also need to work at self-discipline as far as spending (like the Walmart purchases). I’ve had to deal with that myself and still do, but I’m WAY, WAY better over the past ten years or so since I started asking myself a question whenever I go into any kind of store and am attracted to all that stuff they want to entice us to buy. “Can I live without this?” It’s now very easy for me to answer “Yes!” That simple question has worked for me. That one or something else may work for you. But, you can do it. I know you can. And you are by no means alone in this. And stop the negative “self-talk.” That is destructive. You are human and make mistakes like everyone else. The vast number of successful people failed their way to success – and learned from their failures. Keep on keepin’ on!
Good reply, Ed. Negative self-talk isn’t good, but when we see a pattern that isn’t working, we have to be honest about it before we can make the changes we need to, just like LaVonne has. All of us have had to. It’s hard on a small income, but getting out of debt feels so good. It’s worth it.
Great advice as always, Ed, thank you! This will be the Summer of Solvency for me. My priority is to dig myself out and then build up an emergency fund in savings so this never happens again. As Scarlet O’Hara put it, “So help me, God!”
Lavonne,
I want to let you know you are not alone. And it will get better. I don’t know how or when, but it will. Letting go of trying to keep up ‘appearances’ by saying, “I can’t pay you. I don’t have the money.” feels like taking in a full breath of fresh air. I’ve been there – juggling multiple payday loans – standing in line in the grocery store madly doing the math and keeping my fingers crossed that I have the money to pay – feeling that sense of panic every time I bought something … and the list goes on. I’ve been there. I spent years in that space trying to make it look like I was “fine”. My life is great now – in ways beyond my wildest expectations – not just financially. I am so grateful every day for the wealth of goodness – family, friends, opportunity, creativity, funds… I don’t have a huge readership on my blog, but let me do a review and post something about Getting Shit Done. I should have shared about it a long time ago, but I’m a flake so…
Thanks for sharing your story. 😀
Ah yes, the grocery story checkout line — I always have that nervous feeling while I wait for the screen to say, “Approved.” I like approval, dammit!
So glad your life is going so well! I know I can do that too, with just a little focus and determination. Thanks for reviewing GSD — I would love it if you would add your review to Amazon while you’re at it!
Will do!
Hey there you certainly are not alone, but iI would agree to get rid of those payday loans e en if it’s one each month. Also maybe you could get a separate debit card from Wal-Mart and keep a little cash for your little extra things , then that wouldn’t come out of your bank account. Hope you days get better as it will only ale you syrongert
Good idea on the Walmart debit card, Wendy, thank you!
I wish I was in your vicinity so I could give you my sister a a hug. I would like to let you know that you are not alone in this situation.
I can remember myself and mr. Pico sitting in the forest and Dolores Colorado 8 days before payday with the needle on the gasoline tank reading almost empty 5 days worth of food and two days worth of water… It wasn’t the first time this has happened… But it was the last time…!… Accepting poverty and the fact that you are probably consid
erd poor it’s a hard thing we were presented with this lifestyle as being exciting and innovative and it is however the truth of the matter is most of us are doing this because of our
financial situation… Here are some words of advice from your brother Sameer’s point of view… Leave California and the streets of San Diego where you are considered homeless remember in the desert or the forest you are camping. Most of us have realized that we will be seeing a lot of Flagstaff Cottonwood and Ehrenberg and quartzite that’s the most journey we can do in our present financial situation. This is something both Lori and I have learned… I cannot give you advice on wants vs needs or how to manage your money that is something you learn to do on your own… Next month will be a wash hopefully you will be able to cover your payday loans and in July you can start fresh please borrow enough money from a friend to get through next month… Suffering is not something we do well at our age even though we may be responsible for it… Start the month of July working within a realistic budget and facing some hard facts about van dwelling… Come to the desert or the forest and live with your own people who love and care about you… I know that you are not alone in this situation but it is an easy fix..
From your brother, Sameer
Excellent advice Sameer.
Beautiful words, dear friend, thank you! In a few days, I will be on my way to the forest of Big Bear Lake where our friends Linda and Silvianne are camp hosting. I will boondock nearby for the summer.
San Diego has been a good lesson in many ways, among them that city stealth camping is a recipe for depression (not to mention poverty — lots of gas is wasted moving from place to place to avoid being ‘spotted’!) See you soon!
LaVonne, what a difficult post to write, and you are so honest for publishing it. First, sending you a big hug. Second, please stop beating yourself up. Make a list of every bit of debt, then prioritize it. Can you return anything to Walmart? Would likely make you feel a bit better.
I’m doing my own procrastination, letting certain things slide because I can’t face them. But much better than for the last couple years. Part of that time I was so very depressed I could barely function. A lot of shit came my way, and digging out of it got exhausting. Is anything like that going on with you? Cause this doesn’t sound like you, not that I’m an expert.
If you’re depressed, have the blues, whatever, please remember you have a crew of friends – nomads, Internet buddies, all sorts of people – who think you are just amazing, smart, funny, and courageous. Here’s another hug.
Thanks so much, Mary Beth. I could return most of the items to Walmart but the damage was already done. Returning them wouldn’t fix anything.
I suffered from chronic depression most of my life but fortunately not in the past few years. Yes, I was temporarily depressed (actually angry with myself combined with fear that something is terribly wrong with me, lol) but I’m fine now that I have decided to bite the bullet and fix this problem at last. 🙂
Hugs back!
May I make a small suggestion. It is easy to let bills get ahead of you when you are busy and distracted. I sat down one day and figured out how much I was paying in interest and that stopped me short. I watch my mother’s money, my personal money and my business accounts. It can get confusing.
There is a website called Mint.com where you can add all your financial information and it will help you by sending reminders for all your bills a few days ahead of when they are due. It will keep you in line with your bills and give you a financial picture every time you log in. It is safe because it is only a read only site so no one can get your information. I love it and since I have been entering everything in, I haven’t missed a bill and always have money in my various accounts to pay when something comes due.
It might help!!
Thanks, Lynn. 🙂 I recently closed my Mint account because I found it too complicated. I think that’s part of my problem with money… I need to keep things VERY simple. In order to make sure I don’t forget a bill, I depend on automatic payments out of my bank account. The idea is to make sure there is enough money to cover them every month. That works fine until near the end of some months when there is very little left. Then, a minor miscalculation in spending, such as my $46 spending spree, can be catastrophic. This happens way too often because I haven’t built up a cushion. That is going to change!