“What makes you think you’re so smart?”
Photo by Kris Krug
I’m sure my parents loved me. And at the same time, they were threatened by my intellect. I was what they called an “accident” back then. My mom was 17 when she became pregnant. My dad was 21. High school drop outs, neither of them had any interest in education – or any respect for people who loved learning and excelled at it. People like me.
By the time I was in grade 5, I suspected that I was smarter than my parents. My teacher confirmed this suspicion when she broke the rules and whispered to me that I had scored the highest mark ever on some standardized test. At ten years old, I had university-level reading comprehension. At school, I received positive feedback and approval from my teachers. At home, I heard things like:
- School is for losers. What do you want to be – a professional student? You’re just too lazy to work.
- You’re not as smart as you think you are.
- Get your nose out of that book and come and watch TV with the rest of the family!
Any time I made a mistake, I was subjected to ridicule: The smart one screwed up! Let’s rub that in. I realize now that these attempts to undermine my confidence were all about my parents’ need to keep the power and control in the family. They had no idea how to parent in general, let alone how to support and encourage a child that was so different from them.
The end result was predictable. I started to view my love of learning as a problem instead of a gift. I downplayed my intelligence. I learned to keep my ideas and opinions to myself. I tried to develop interests in things that my parents would approve of, instead of pursuing what I was good at and what made me happy.
You may have a similar story
Maybe you’re smart, and like me, were hatched into a non-academic family like mine. Maybe your innate talent is for art and you were born to a family that couldn’t appreciate or value this. Maybe you have (for lack of better term) some woo-woo skills that no one close to you even understood, let alone encouraged. You may have been teased or criticized for your talents and interests. Or silenced. Or “cut down to size.”
What’s the problem?
These past experiences may show up in your current life as:
- Doubting your competence. (Imposter syndrome.)
- Undervaluing and underplaying your expertise. (Ineffective self-promotion and marketing. Under-charging.)
- Hiding or avoiding your true talents and abilities. (Under-employment. Dissatisfaction. Self doubt.)
- Being terrified of making mistakes. (Perfectionism. Procrastination.)
All of which have the power to wreak havoc on your business. This is not about being a victim and blaming your parents (or teachers, or friends, or society) for your problems. This is about recognizing the reality of the situation. Seeing these tendencies for what they really are: old stories and inaccurate information that we’ve carried since childhood. Knowing and understanding “why” these things happened is only part of the solution.
The answer lies in re-writing these old stories and moving on.
Here are 3 bits of advice that I have personally used and found helpful. (If you have additional words of wisdom to add, please do so in the comments!)
- Get new parents Seriously! Pick a couple of people you really admire in your field. Imagine being their child. Who would you be and how would you feel if you had been raised by them? Scared? Have a challenge? A tough decision? Imagine picking up the phone and calling your new Dad or Mom to ask for advice. (I often ask: what would Tony Robbins do? Or Seth Godin? Or Barbara Sher?)
- Recruit a support team Find some *real* people to do this with. (Like, say, the #customerlove peeps!) I belong to a mastermind group that meets every week. We support and encourage each other. It’s a safe place to announce our big plans. We believe in each other. Warning: if you’re prone to comparison, be careful here. When you’re hanging out with other smart and talented people, it can be easy to fall into the “I’m not ready yet” trap. Which brings me to…
- Get in front of your customers Nothing will be more encouraging than doing That Thing That You Do for the people who need and appreciate it. When you experience the (enormous) gap between what you know and what they know, you’ll begin to feel solid in your expertise. Hint 1: Don’t confuse your support team with your customers. Your peers are not your customers. Hint 2: You may need to move out of your comfortable, familiar circles to find these people.
This last part – getting in front of actual customers – takes the most courage. As we approach the end of the challenge, you may find yourself poised on this edge. You might be feeling a little pitter patter in your chest as you think about launching your product or posting your sales page.
In order to move forward, you will need to take that risk and step out over the edge: To speak with authority, to promote the coaching/consulting package, to raise your rates, to declare “good enough” and let your new baby product out into the world before it is (unattainably) perfect.
With your imaginary parents behind you and your support team beside you (yay #customerlove!) … take a deep breath and hit the Go button.
Love your customers by releasing your past, acknowledging your abilities and stepping forward to serve them.
