Sometime last week, I’m not sure when exactly, I fell into a depression. I had been sliding down the slope for some time, clawing desperately to stop the descent, but then it just happened. There was nothing I could do about it. So I gave in and waited it out.
I’m familiar enough with my own cycles of depression to know when they’re coming on, and not to let them freak me out. I reminded myself that I’d been through this many times before, and it does end eventually. I stopped tweeting and blogging because I didn’t want to solicit sympathy — or worse, to fake heartiness. [Although @delightineer has a different philosophy about faking it, one I hadn't considered until today.]
I focused instead on figuring out how to climb out of the pit.
At about the same time this happened, I ended a long, close friendship. Badly. Was I depressed about that? I certainly wish I’d handled it better, but I don’t think it caused my depression.
No, the real problem was fear. It’s nothing I haven’t blogged about a dozen times before, but I still hadn’t resolved it, and the fear got so big I just stopped everything but the bare minimum required. I slept a lot and watched a lot of movies.
As usual, it was all about voice coaching/product creation/marketing, blah blah blah. I’m sure you’re as tired of hearing about it as I am of writing about it.
But this time, it was different. This time, I had the advantage of taking part in Susan Johnstone’s Wisdom of Your Resistance class, which just started last week. [Not too late to get in, btw. And yes, that's an affiliate link.] Susan had warned us that getting started with the work sheets would bring up our “stuff,” and that’s exactly what was happening with me. Took a few days to recognize that, though.
But I also realized a few other things probably played into it: a) I had been on crutches, completely housebound for several weeks, and it was getting to me, b) I hadn’t been able to stock up on fresh produce and had stopped drinking green smoothies, and c) I had run out of my prescription for high-dose Vitamin D to combat a severe deficiency. All of these can affect mood, and recognizing that helped me figure out a game plan for climbing out of the pit:
1. Get the fruits and green veggies needed to make green smoothies again. [Check!]
2. Refill that Vit. D prescription. [My son's going to pick it up now.]
3. Buy St. John’s Wort. [In spite of studies that say the supplement doesn't help depression, it's worked for me in the past. Getting some tomorrow.]
4. Schedule a phone session with Susan Johnstone to talk about my resistance and fear. [Check!]
I started drinking green smoothies on Friday and was feeling a bit better by last night. A little more energy, a lighter mood. I even went so far as to get something done, of all things. There was a long list of tasks that I’d been stalling on for quite a while, so I picked one and just did it. That really felt good. Today, I started tweeting again, and now I’m writing this — more encouraging signs.
And I talked with Susan. It was very good. I’m going to blog about it, but I need more time to process it. She’s just — wonderful. More on that in my next post.
Yay!
What do you do to dig out when you’ve hit bottom?
Image by bichxa
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