My Inner Self-Hater has been on overdrive lately.
I try to tell myself that I’m an old woman now and there is no reason to keep pushing myself. I should just relax and enjoy my golden years. I have what I wanted, right? A van to live and travel in, a dog to keep me company, loving family, good friends, and (mostly) good health.
But still, I am dissatisfied
I feel as though I will die of regret if I don’t fulfill my purpose in life. And I have this idea stuck in my head that my purpose is to be a writer. The problem is that I don’t write, except for the occasional blog post. So I search aimlessly for answers on the internet.
Reading a book called The One Thing by Gary Keller got me wondering: exactly what do I want, anyway? I’ve been growing increasingly depressed about the fact that I have not been able to make myself focus on and finish anything I’ve tried lately. I blame ADD, but it’s really a matter of motivation. I don’t seem to want anything badly enough to stick it out and achieve it.
And when I think of what I actually choose to do every day, it makes me wonder if all I really want is to surf Facebook and eat Pringles. Would that be so wrong?
The idea behind The One Thing is to reverse engineer productivity by picking a long-range goal, the one thing you want most for your life. Then break it down into ever-smaller chunks, so you always know the one thing you need to do next. Simple.
But I can’t seem to decide what I want
I mean, I’ve wanted to write books for the last forty years, but have I done it?
Okay, I’ve written a short Kindle book and edited another. I’ve written two memoir first drafts — no, three — so there’s that. But I can’t bring myself to revise them and put them out there. Since writing them, I’ve learned so much about how to write a great book that I’m paralyzed by perfectionism. I can’t wrap my mind around how to turn these deeply flawed drafts into the kind of awesome books I want to share with the world.
Like Ira Glass says in his classic video about storytelling, there is a gap between my taste and my ability. Keep working at it, he says, and I’ll get better.
But why bother?
Why the constant battle with Resistance? Why not just enjoy life?
Well, because this stupid dream of writing books will not leave me alone. But it’s only a dream. If I actually LIKED writing I would write. Every day. Instead, I sit around beating myself up for not writing. And when I do write, I’m disappointed that I’m not a better writer.
I keep going in circles about this
If I want to travel and see the world, I need more money to pay for it. So then I think, how can I make money (without, you know, getting a job)? Write books, of course. So I buy other books that tell me how to write books, how to format them, how to market them. Anything to put off writing a little bit longer.
And then I freeze — can’t think of what to write, or how to fix what’s wrong with what I’ve already written — and I sure would like something good to nosh on right about now, or hmm, I think I need to check Facebook again in case the answer to my problem has just popped up in my newsfeed. (It never does.)
Or I start writing, like now, and suddenly Scout wakes up from her nap and wants a walk. When we get back, I’ve forgotten what it was I was going to write about.
Then I come across (on Facebook or in my Inbox) a money-making scheme that would surely work. So I sign up for the newsletter or webinar or course but I never follow through because it always involves dreaded marketing. You can’t sell what you write without marketing. I hate — no, fear — marketing.
But what I hate most of all is my own writing, my ‘voice’
It’s fine for blogging but for books? Noooooo! I want to sound like Ann Lamotte or Elizabeth Gilbert!
I know, I’m not them. As the old song goes, I’ve gotta be meeee. But when I go back to those first drafts, I can’t stand to finish reading them, much less start revising them. How on earth can I transform such shallow words into something meaningful?
I can’t even find any meaning in this vandwelling thing. I want to put together a book about my so-called adventures since I started dreaming about it four years ago. I tried compiling old blog posts, thinking I would polish them and add a few memories, but I was completely demoralized when I started reading them. They’re not nearly as good as I remembered.
I tried to come up with a theme for the book, some moral that I’ve learned about going after your dreams or you’re never too old, whatever. But I don’t feel like I’ve learned anything more profound than how to pee in a bucket, be sure to secure everything in the van before you start driving, and for fuck’s sake, SAVE AN EMERGENCY FUND.
Practical advice to be sure, but not terribly uplifting.
Okay. Maybe I’m not an inspirational writer. I’ve lived all these years but I can’t think of any helpful advice to give anyone. Nada. Maybe Lamotte and Gilbert aren’t the right role models for me. Erma Bombeck sounds more like it.
Ha, now my Inner Self-Hater is screaming, “YOU WILL NEVER BE AS FUNNY AS ERMA BOMBECK, YOU FOOL. GIVE UP NOW.”
Fuck you, Inner Self-Hater
True, I’m not Erma Bombeck. But I AM LaVonne Ellis and you will just have to learn to live with me.
p.s. Most of the links above are affiliate links. If you click them and buy something, I will get a tiny commission. FYI.
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I always enjoy your posts..it always remind me of when I was young….My parents had great expectations of me and I believed them. Sometime in my 40’s I realized I wasn’t as great as they told me I was. I was just average and I probably didn’t have enough time left to get great. lol Such a let down to realize I was not as exceptional as I was lead to believe. Now that I’m in my 50’s, I’ve decided that slightly better than average is okay and I’ll just try and enjoy my life and tamp down that evil little demon that shows up on occasion to remind me that I’m not that great.
I think you are a wonderful writer( I love Erma Bombeck by the way) and look forward to your next post. Probably doesn’t pay the bills but you have kept a lot of us less then great people entertained.
Stephanie
I’ve only been following u for a short while , but I enjoy your blogs very much. Thanks for sharing. ????
Thank you, Joe!
There’s no purpose to life so you might as well just enjoy it. 🙂
Good point, David!
LaVonne, I’ve been following your blog for a while. I almost stopped about a month or so ago because I thought you sound so much like me – like the voices in my own head. And I figured why on earth do I need to hear any more of that?
This most recent post of yours takes the cake. I can relate so well to what you’re saying and I’m glad I didn’t stop following you.
I have been in a similar boat. I am approaching 60 (next year) and have had wanderlust for many years. I’ve done some traveling, but not nearly as much as I want nor as much as I thought I would have by now. I, too, bought a van last year and set out to be a vandweller and live here, there and everywhere. I, too, intended to write while on the road. And I did okay for a while. And the van did okay for a while. Then it died. It died a slow, lingering, excruciatingly expensive death. I kept pouring money into the old beast because I just couldn’t give up my dream. But the final blow of yet another $2,000 diagnosis delivered by my mechanic simply did me in. Enough already. I sold the old girl for a mere pittance.
Gulp.
LaVonne, I, too, want to write. I, too, think I have something to say yet don’t know what it is and I’ve started any number of stories. I do the same as you’ve described – go back and look at them after a while and question why I even try.
I now have a job. A regular old job. I’m living with my daughter and her family and am able to save money (for future travel) while not being a sponge (and in fact, contributing to the household) so I’m in a good situation for now.
But, still.
Patience. It’s hard. I want to go, go, go. Maybe I just want to run away.
This is leading, basically, nowhere. I have no answers. If I did, I’d be on the right track myself and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Haven’t for years.
I guess I just want to tell you you’re not alone.
Thank you for reaching out.
Thank you for your honesty.
Thank YOU for sharing your story, Jan! You are living my alternate universe — what would have happened if I hadn’t gotten extremely lucky after my van died a little over a year ago. Hang on, you will get back on the road soon and when you do, I hope you can come to Arizona and join the RTR tribe!
Dearest Lavonne, I’d like to poke you on the end of the nose with the newly sharpened tip of an HB pencil. Why?
Because that is all it takes to write, a pencil and a sheet of paper even better yet a scrap of paper found on the side of the road dusted off and de-scrunched bit.
Please NO MORE BOOKS! sell them, discard them, donate them, just leave them in a neat stack outside a school, but please stop reading that stuff. The only thing they give folks like you and me are doubts in or own abilities. We don’t need any more doubts we make more than enough ourselves.
All that doing things someone elses way is not for me or you, we just need to do things OUR we your way, my way, his way is for him.
I would love to take all of the junk out of your van and just dump it, leave you with the food making, dog related stuff and ONE map of the next place you are going. One pencil, and a pad of paper, like the kids have for homework. Then fill your van with gas and ring a random location on the map and point you to the highway.
Go there, write about what you find there, when you have no more to write about move on. REPEAT
Love you LaVonne, but you need a good poke in the nose to get you to remember why you are out here.
You have de-cluttered your belongings to a point, but your mind is still cluttered with others thoughts and stuff clear that out too and you will be free.
BFG
“…you need a good poke in the nose to get you to remember why you are out here.”
Thanks, I needed that — keep ’em coming!
Oh yes I forgot to say you are not old, cause if you are old then I’m old, and I ‘m NOT OLD OK!
Not OLD, just experienced.
I can add one thing for your list of things to remember when vandwelling, remember to keep your key with you at all times.
Some usefull things to know you might be able to help with.
Where is free wifi.
Where is best laundry places.
Where to park
where is bad place to park,
Where is good places depending on seasons
where is free maps from
where is free water
where is free toilet dumping
where is good coffee
where is LaVonne today (send to me )
BFG
Thanks for this. I have exactly the same problem. When I first discovered your blog, it was through googling, “am I a flake?” Your article confirmed it in such a way that it felt liberating. I finally knew what I was and why I could never seem to get anything done. But that nagging inner-hate and the constant, dripping question, “what the heck do I want to do?” Are still there. Always. Thankyou for sharing this bit of your struggles. They have mirrored mine in an uncanny way. So, I do feel better thinking that as a flake, I am not alone. Flakes of the universe, unite!
You are definitely not alone, Lisa. Yes, we must unite!
We old farts have lots of good things to say, the issue is, how do we choose to say them? You are fine, your words are fine, believe the inner muse and shove the inner critic out the door and leave them far away ! I have battled self hate for centuries, it seems. I have given it up in a quest to be free. My MUSE and I are having a great time now and we wish you the same!!!!
Thank you, RuthieBee. So glad you and your MUSE are having a great time!
Hi La Vonne.
I have only read your blog briefly, and I do appreciate your honesty.
I must say this.
You will never find purpose in your life until you repent of all past and present known sin and surrender your life and yourself to Jesus Christ, the Son of God.
I am not talking about the false American jesus, but the REAL Jesus Christ. He is real. I know Him.
Get yourself a bible if you do not have one and start reading it. Put all of your efforts into to seeking this Jesus to see if He is truly real. Do it with a sincere heart.
For I promise you, there will be no satisfaction or purpose in this life ever, apart from Him.
One day very soon we will all be leaving this earth, at each of our appointed time (if Jesus does not return before we die). Please instead of thinking so much on this empty, cruel world, think instead of eternity and where you will be currently spending it, lest you do not turn to the Lord Jesus and be saved.
Also if you are born again in the future, stay away from ‘churches’ (which are full of false Christians) and instead seek out true sincere Christ followers if you can find them. Otherwise, just you and the Lord will be fine.
This is all I wanted to say to you.
I say it in love.
I will pray for you.
Thank you, Mary. I am not a Christian but I respect your obviously sincere faith, and I’m grateful for your good wishes. Much love, LaVonne
LaVonne,
I so enjoy your posts and I can so relate to them, especially this one. I am a wanna be writer, perhaps because I have been told that I write well. But that is my mother telling me that. I am as creative as a rock and find myself totally paralyzed when I sit down to write.
I really enjoy your sense of humor and I think you would be great writing in the style of Erma Bombeck!
I sure hope you can get past the inertia and start living your dream. Keep writing and I will keep reading.
Thank you, Cam. I know too well what you mean about being totally paralyzed. What works for me (at least as far as blogging goes) is to write a journal that I tell myself no one will see. That’s how all of my blog posts are written. I don’t do it every day, not by a long shot, but I’m trying to get back to that.
Don’t give up!
Hi LaVonne,
I just wanted to let you know that I have signed up for your Blog. Please Please keep blogging. I too have purchased a van (not living in it full time yet). I have been dreaming of living full-time on the road for many years now and as I approach closer I find myself doubting what I am striving for. Will I have enough money? How to support myself? Will the van break down? etc etc etc.
Your words are so honest and real. I am constantly reading other blogs about what park they visited, what they had for dinner but not too much about the real challenges of living full time. I thought about starting a blog and writing about my experience of “getting ready” but the words never seem to come out the way I want. I have played with the video camera and tried Vloging, but cant stand looking at myself. You have hit a nerve with many women in our age group. You have a lot to offer. Maybe a weekly chat on Blab.net that talks about “getting started”. It can be about van living, writing or anything that keeps us from moving forward. Thanks again…Maybe one day I will see you on the road. Peggy
Hi Peggy, nice to meet you! Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean a lot. Not sure I’m up for a weekly chat but I will think about it. Hope to see you on the road!
Hello LaVonne – gosh, I think you wrote this for me…. to save me having to write it.
I’ve been back in NZ for 18 months, living in my bus and exploring this beautiful country, and yet I have this nagging feeling that I should be ‘doing’ something. (As if I’m not now) I go through the same thing about writing, and about photography and I actually love doing both but the writing barely happens and the photography happens in spurts. I know I’m incredibly lucky to have my lifestyle and to have left most of what I own back in Canada. Moved on and let go of everything that bogged me down. Everyone keeps telling me I’m living the dream.
I think about writing about being on the road. Recently an Australian magazine interviewed me about my lifestyle and paid me! They used several of my photos. That got me thinking again about writing. It’s not that hard.
But about what?
I know I’ve always inspired people by the choices I make, and that’s felt like part of my purpose over the years. And I know I still inspire people, but I feel like I should be doing more. Making more of a difference. Doing something about the many social issues in my country perhaps.
But it’s also been my desire for many years to create a spacious life. I’ve now done that but feel that maybe I’ve gone to an extreme and don’t know how to come back!
I don’t want to do anything that ties me down or stresses me out or intrudes on my introverted life.
So I come back to writing because in some ways that’s the perfect thing for an introvert. And me.
Writing and photography.
And I do miss coaching women, but there’s no way I want to do what I’d have to do to market myself to get that going again.
Maybe I could start my blog again?
So….. I follow your journey with interest, marvel at your adventures and see where it leads.
Perhaps we’re both doing exactly what we’re meant to be doing right now?? xoxo
Yes, I think we are definitely both doing what we were meant to be doing. I keep coming back to writing too, even though I get great ideas in other areas. Much as I complain about how hard writing is, it’s actually the easiest thing for me to do. I don’t have to learn how any more, although I am still compulsive about reading about writing. It’s a steep learning curve to take on something else. I’ve spent my life learning how to write, so that’s where I’m ahead of the game.
Start your blog again but only if you enjoy it. After all, that’s the whole point of our nomad life, isn’t it? Saying yes to what you love and no to what you don’t?
Loving your photos on Facebook!