Or, Why you need to be a heartless bastard sometimes.
Once upon a time, there were a couple of graduate students whose names were Bobby and Hank. Two of the most pleasant, intelligent young men you could hope to meet, surprisingly similar backgrounds, beginning work on similar projects with the same boss… in fact, their only significant difference involved the precise definition of ‘barbecue.’
Both threw themselves into their studies, for both were diligent workers. Both wrote papers, visited other research groups, travelled to conferences… and yet, Bobby finished his doctoral thesis in less than half the time Hank took.
Barely a third, in fact.
The only time I’ve ever seen Hank complain at anything other than the way meat was being ruined was at a celebration of Bobby’s graduation. “How did you get done so quickly? I’ve worked just as hard as you did and I’m still years away! Watch those ribs!”
This was such an unusual tone for Hank to strike that Bobby looked, momentarily, away from the grill.
“You see, Hank, before I make a decision on something, I ask myself a question: ‘Would doing this help me get finished?’ If I think it will, I do it. If not, I make my excuses.”
Hank nodded the nod of a man for whom such a thing was inconceivable, while I racked my brain.
It was true: if I asked Hank for a favour, he’d drop everything and help out. Bobby would more likely say “I’m a bit snowed under this week – give me a shout on Monday and I’ll give you a hand.”
By then I’d have solved it myself – or asked Hank.
I’d forgotten about that conversation until today – I had an email asking if I could help someone learn French. I could do that, sure. But my big goal is make the world better at math – so I said “sorry, I’m too busy just now.” It’s not up to me to help everyone.
There’s a lot of talk, in sales circles, about creating win-win situations. The trouble is, sometimes we spend too long trying to make it a win for the customer and not even asking if it’s a win for us.
Hank ran himself ragged helping other people win. He ended up winning, too – but it took him a lot longer than it needed to.
Are you running yourself ragged helping others win? How can you win too? Tell me about it in the comments below!
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Oh Colin – the ever-relevant point!
These days, I ask myself:
1. Will this help me get to my goal? (Yours Rocks! Making the world better at math!)
I love helping others – it’s part of who I am. But I’m not doing my best work if I’m not keeping my goal in sight.
That’s exactly it! Thanks, Phyllis :o)
It is so true that so many people have a hard time saying no. Those people also are lacking in the self care department.
It’s quite easy to use helping people out as an excuse not to do your own stuff. I’m quite often guilty of that.
I love this. I’ve always thought it was better to say no, than say yes and resent the project I grudgingly agreed to.
I already have the filter in place for doing things I want to do. I need a filter now for doing things in line with my goals.
Thanks, Deanna! Nicely summarised 🙂
I think I need a decision-making flowchart that involves ‘do I want to?’, although my kitchen would end up even more of a tip than it is.
Timely, Collin. So freaking timely.
I’ve started saying no, but I still have a few favor-projects hanging around my to do list. The worst part is all the guilt they ship with. Doing your thing and not theirs = guilt. Doing their thing and not yours = guilt. So, ya see, it’s a trap. A great big sneaky trap cleverly disguised as altruism.
Put on your own oxygen mask first…people. 🙂
Thanks, Laura! It’s a hard line to draw between looking after yourself and being nice. I like the oxygen mask analogy :o)
Ditto, Laura.
The oxygen mask analogy is brilliant.
In the last 3 months of 2010, I stopped using to-do lists, and came up with a short list of 6 important projects that I would touch every day.
I worked relentlessly on that same, short, boring list, day-in, day-out.
By January 1st, I’d accomplished more IMPORTANT stuff in those last 3 months, than in the previous 9 months of 2010.
In 2011, the productivity has continued. Not productivity as in efficiency, but productivity as in effectiveness. Doing the important stuff.
One big thing that’s allowed me to do that? Paying my close friend (who is a whiz at getting things done) as my daily accountability coach.
I still have a few favor projects that I’m committed to… but I’m not adding any more favors to my plate. And I look forward to when I can disengage from the remaining ones I have.
Like Bill Gates, who was maniacly competitive with Microsoft for decades, amassing personal wealth and personal enemies, before “abruptly” announcing that he would give most of this wealth away…
Build our own castle first, puts us in a more leveraged position to REALLY help out those folks who want our help here and there along the way.
Great post, Colin.
Bolaji.
Fantastic comment, Bolaji!
I love the ‘one thing a day’ idea – if you wanted to expand that idea into a guest post, I bet LaVonne would _love_ to run it.
Chris Anthony (@etherjammer) pointed out recently that if you improve by 1% each day, at the end of a year you’ll be nearly 38 times better. (It’s true, by the way – 1.01 to the power of 365 is 37.78). I’m trying to work out a 1% solution – what can I do today to improve my life/business/network by 1% so that this time next year things will be 37 times as awesome?
This is SO important Colin, and so hard to actually put into practice… I’ve been learning to say no for decades now, and am STILL learning…
It can be really hard, especially when someone is disappointed or annoyed when I do say no, but I’m slowly learning to be a heartless bastard when I know doing so will help me be a more of more service in the long run!
@Bolaji, I love your 6 important things list idea. I kind of do a variation on that: I have a revolving list of stuff, and from that longer list I pick the 2 or 3 things I most want to accomplish today. When I take the time to really think about what makes sense for me to focus on, I end up being a lot more productive!