Ack! I’m having another anxiety attack. Stomach feels queasy, heart’s pounding, bleh. And that’s leading to depression. All over the fact that I don’t know what to do next. I know there’s a lot to do, I just can’t remember [or decide] what my next step should be. And yes, there’s a to-do list or several around here somewhere.
So I’m stuck. Again. Still.
Plus I’m scared. Scared of voice coaching, scared I’ll never be able to keep up with blogging, scared that my mind is permanently blank.
I just want to take a nap, and then get some chocolate, just for the caffeine buzz. And then watch a movie marathon. And then go back to bed.
[Fifteen minutes later...]
I went looking for some cocoa powder, which I’m SURE is hidden somewhere in the bowels of my kitchen [sorry for that unfortunate choice of words], and came up with green tea instead.
Eureka! Water heating up as I speak.
Now, I need to clarify something here: I have gone through multiple painful withdrawals from caffeine in the past, so I don’t do this lightly. I’m going to allow myself one cup of green tea every morning, just like millions of people around the world do — billions, probably.
I can have a little bit of caffeine every day, it’s not going to kill me. I just need to be careful. Right? Right?
And I know from experience the difference will be amazing:
- Writing will no longer feel like torture.
- I will be able to come up with post ideas for both blogs with no trouble at all.
- Same goes for info products.
- Procrastination will no longer be a problem.
- Things will get done.
But there’s a reason I have resisted this for so long: it’s those damn rebound headaches. They kick in whenever I go even a few hours too long without a fix.
Caffeine is a harsh mistress.
Obviously for me, being as sensitive to it as I am, that can be a real problem. But if I do like millions — billions — of other people do every morning, getting my little jolt of caffeine first thing, I should be okay. I hope.
Oh hell, I know I’ll regret it later, but I’ve decided that my blogs and my business are more important than my health. JUST KIDDING. Hey, it’s not booze or drugs — well, it’s a drug, but it’s LEGAL.
[After drinking a cup of tea with honey -- yum...]
I feel a difference already, just a lightening of my mood [anxiety and incipient depression GONE --woohoo!] and a willingness to consider writing as a possibility. I have to admit, though, that part of that was the placebo effect, and came when I was fixing the tea, dictating some of this post into my new toy
Which reminds me, I’ve gone to all the trouble and expense of buying an iPod Touch SPECIFICALLY for the purpose of dictating blog posts whenever an idea hits me while I’m not near the computer, and what do I do? I play games on it. I read the news and gossip sheets on it. I check Twitter and Facebook on it. Everything but dictate!
That’s got to stop right now. I need to use the things I am spending good money on to work toward my GOALS instead of using them to procrastinate.
I’m noticing a distinct pattern here:
- I wake up with my usual fibromyalgia pain.
- I wait for the pain to go away, which often takes several hours.
- While I’m waiting, I eat, check the news, get lost on Twitter, read and comment on several blogs, do the few domestic chores I can’t put off any longer, eat, answer e-mail and tweets, play a few games, read a couple of articles, eat, and get lost on Twitter.
- Somewhere in there, I start to feel better, and by late afternoon I’m ready to write.
- But it seems like every time I’m finally getting in the groove, about to apply fingers to keyboard, I have a sudden need to a] go to the kitchen or b] go to the bathroom — either of which guarantees a significant delay, thanks to my distractibility.
What I need to do is change the pattern. Right now.
But first, I need to go to the kitchen. ‘Scuse me…
Okay, the caffeine either doesn’t work or it needs to be stronger. ‘Cuz I ain’t feelin’ no blog love. I guess it worked for a little while, but then I got distracted by Twitter, email and such.
I guess I’m going to have to follow the productivity rule I heard about a few days ago — the Two Tab Rule:, Have only two tabs open and of course, no other programs. No email, no Twitter. I guess the second tab is for research and grabbing links. That is going to be, um, PAINFUL for me, but I have to do whatever it takes if I want to get this business going.
I heard a podcast by Leo Babauta of Zen Habits reading an excerpt from his book, The Power of Less, about focusing on one task at a time. He’s even more strict than the Two Tab Rule — NO tabs, no internet at all!
Here are the steps:
- Choose one task that will take 10-20 minutes.
- Use a text editor for writing.
- No internet/email/Twitter, etc.
- Turn off the phone, and close the door or wear headphones to avoid distractions.
- Remove clutter from your desk.
- Then, focus on that one task for as long as possible.
- Become aware of when you are getting distracted.
- Pull yourself back to the task.
- Use breaks, i.e., stretch, walk around.
- Set aside time for routine tasks like email, phone calls, etc.
- Keep a notebook nearby to jot down things you think of that you can get to later.
- Put your full attention on the task at hand.
- Once it’s completed, focus on the next task.
Well, obviously, this is very good advice. Babauta says it takes practice to focus for longer and longer periods. I can see that it’s based on the practice of meditation. Focusing the mind is always difficult at first; that’s why they call it practice. Being aware of when your mind wanders helps you to pull it back to what you were focused on.
My personal problem with this method is the same one I’ve had all along: I simply can’t sit still for more than a few minutes. It’s an ADHD thing, combined with fibromyalgia. I am jumpy; that’s the only way I can describe it. The only thing that can relieve my physical discomfort [and often, pain] is to get up and move around. That’s why I got the iPod Touch and the Dragon dictation app, so I could write even when I can’t stand sitting any more.
The broken foot is adding to the problem because walking around is a lot harder, plus I really need to be doing yoga every day to help relieve a lot of my discomfort, but no excuses. I’ve finally mastered the art of walking on crutches, and there are plenty of yoga poses that I can do sitting down.
So, now I have the tools and no more excuses.
It’s late Monday night. I’m going to bed. In the morning, I’m going to start taking Leo Babauta’s advice. Starting with clearing off this desk!
Hmm, maybe the caffeine worked after all!
Image credit: Kanko
